Wizard Girls Auditions. Rejection & my big ego

If you're bad at rejection, you probably have a big ego.

Guilty, guilty and more guilty!
...On both accounts. 1) Bad at rejection. 2) Big ego. 

Many of you, or at least some of you know that over the last couple weeks I had been prepping for and in the process of auditioning for the Wizard Girls here in D.C. A friend of mine had suggested the idea to me, almost as a challenge a couple months ago and I went for it. 

I missed dancing, OH MY did I miss dancing, the butterflies, performing, even putting on stage make-up and tights. My heart skipped a beat every time I did something to prep for it and audition morning felt like Christmas. I had done everything and anything to be adequately prepared; hair extensions, dance and fitness training, and work with Sideline Prep (a GOLD pro cheer/dance resource). 

 All that was left to do was to perform, point my toes, smile and bask in the glory of the joy that came from it. More joy came as I made it through a few rounds, and was able to dance my way through week one of training camp. By training camp, the competition was beyond tough, the toughest and best I've seen at any audition. Not only were the other WG hopefuls fantastic dancers, they were some of the sweetest and coolest chicks I've met at an audition. 

The overall experience was an absolute blast and I'm SO glad I did it. I kept saying things like that throughout the audition process too. "I'm glad I'm doing this, even if I don't make it." "I'm just happy to have made it this far." "This is a blast." I truly felt great about my performance, and how competitive I felt, almost an un-entitled sense of accomplishment. Or maybe it was entitled, just because I was doing it. 

However, did that stop the kick in the stomach feeling when I got cut?

No.

Was I glad in that moment, that I had busted my butt to "reach for the stars"?

No.

And was my confidence where it was just minutes before getting the bad news?

No.

While in some capacity, these feelings may be natural to everyone when experiencing rejection. For those of us with big ego's, we tend to magnify them and can become over-consumed. This is toxic, and we need to cut the shit.

It's pretty crazy how fast and hard we can be knocked off our high horse. Us big ego folks, are automatically in a vulnerable spot for that while other more even keeled people are protected. But quite frankly, that doesn't matter.

What matters is putting yourself in a place to be rejected by something, or someone you care about, a lot. When I think about this, it's funny because I have done this a lot, and yet been rejected a lot. You'd think I'd get better at rejection with such practice, but no. I still cry and find comfort in oreo's and wine and have moments of questioning myself. However, in due time, I'm at it again, going for something that I feel might be a little out of reach.

It's been a week since being cut, and the sting is still there (thanks to my ego). What's not still there is the feelings of defeat about busting my butt for an opportunity that I cared about. My confidence, though dashed for a moment is back and I don't feel like I got kicked in the stomach anymore. I wouldn't trade this audition experience for anything, not even my weave (yes, I got a weave and it's awesome). 

I don't think I ever stopped truly feeling and believing the things I was saying throughout the audition process, even when I got cut. If I ever began to, my amazing, amazing, AMAZING support shut it right down, this experience would've been much less of what it was without these guys...

Senich - Thank you for the suggestion, whats next?

Kait - Thank you for making me your deviled eggs to snack on throughout auditions and for being a positive light of encouragement.

Theen - Thank you for convincing me that I would and did "kill it" and for making me feel proud in another time where I didn't think it was possible.

Mom & Dad, Friends & Family Members - Thank you for not doubting, criticizing or ever second guessing why I went for it. Your encouragement, love and high hopes for me drive me in everything that I do.

Tooms - Thank you for the text that got me out of my funk this week.

Lisa - Thank you for the oreo milkshake from our fav, dunks & big hug...it meant more than you can know!

Nick - I don't even know where to start, thank you for everything and most of all for this...

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

-Theodore Roosevelt